Life Never Get Easier

Well, I’m not even sure why I’m updating…. Have pretty much NOTHING to write about…. Yeah my life is pretty fucking sad and boring… Only thing I can really report on with a bit of a shock is that at least the last 4 or 5 updates I’ve done where written WHILE I was absolutely out of my fucking mind on Ice…. Disgusting drug, fucking hate it but Pete really likes it and well… It’s there, yup that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it! So if any of you have wondered why my last couple of post have seemed a little “strange” well that’s why! And guess what…. YUUUP! I’m on it right now! Well actually I’m crashing down now and fucking HARD too…. Feels awful!

Also Pete’s Mum has pretty much moved her now, only spending two days out of the whole week back at Vermont… It’s starting to really fucking piss me off… She’s always in a bad mood and takes it out on me and her dog Snowy is so damn annoying and just utterly dumb as a brick! And boy does he have the highest pitched bark! Drives me mad!!! And then she is always asking for fuckng money (I know, just cause I use drugs doesn’t mean I’m not going to give her rent/bill money) it’s the fact that both Pete and My Centrelink payments are set up to pay a certain amount of money to the bills and rent of this house! Why don’t we just pay Pete’s Mum you ask? Well we did do that at first…. Every week we’d give her between $200 and $150 but the same day we would pay her she would go out and buy a shit tonne of food FOR US! Now I know she means well but it gets really fucking frustrating when later on in the week we’re yelled at (mostly me as I don’t scream back at her for fear of being kicked out) Because She doesn’t have enough to pay the bills and shit…. Sometimes man I think she’s getting dumber and dumber in her old age… She thinks with absolutely NO logic and spends all her money on useless SHIT… She has already spent her entire retirement payment….

So in the long run you know what this all means for Pete and me? You see Pete knows that if we were both to finally move out to live in our own place that his Mum would be fucked and would end up having to sell the Rosebud house which she bought with her own money during a time when her husband had total control of her money…. She loves this house very much but once the little money she has left runs out all she’ll have left is a tiny $280 a fortnight of Centrelink payments…. You see she gets hardly anything due to her having a Husband with  A LOT of assets but there’s just a little bit of a problem there…. Pete’s Dad is an ASSHOLE!! He has roughly half a mill worth of stocks that pretty much looks like he will NEVER spend and actually won’t to be buried with it…. He won’t help his wife AT ALL if anything he bluntly blames her. Now she also has two other children besides Pete which are both rather well off…. But they are both even MORE cruel then the husband! And why? Because for some unknown reason they both HATE Pete, their own flesh and blood and would wont nothing more than for him to suffer and probably die too L.  And Because she won’t kick Pete out making him homeless they are both literally “enrage” with her and treats her (their own fucking MOTHER) with the most disgusting disrespect I’ve EVER seen…. Which actually is most like another reason why she enjoys being here so much. Pete and I are the only ones that will help her and we both get a tiny fraction of what Pete’s sister and brother get but in return we are both yelled at by her…. So I’m really afraid we’re going to be stuck here until she passes which of cause I hope isn’t soon! But will actually probably be at least another 15 years or so…. Pete and I can’t have a child here as there is hardly enough room just for us…. And I’m going to be 27 this year… I’m pretty sure if I don’t fall pregnant by the time I hit 30 I’m sadly never going to…. I’m getting older and Pete knows I’ve wanted a child for the last 5 years now! But… I don’t think he wants to have children with me L… He said something last night that cut me real deep and I think pretty much made it VERY clear of what he really wants…. You see I’ve been using ovulation tests so you know, so we do it at the best time :P… Anyway I’ve been doing this with Pete knowing for at least the last year now! And as usual I came prancing out of the bathroom with a positive test while sporting a “You want some loving?” Look on my face lol…. And OF CAUSE only after we fuck and also after a whole FUCKING YEAR of me letting him know I was ready and actually taking steps to have a child does he decide to go for the jugular… I first asked him if he thought I’d look good with a big pregnant belly, I don’t usually ask weird baby stuff like that but at that time I was feeling rather “good” lol…. And Pete just bluntly says back, “I’m sorry but if you fell pregnant I’d make you get an abortion…. I’m just not ready, were both on dome and still use and quite frankly there’s no fucking way that I’m going to do a 9 to 5 job every fucking day.” I tried to reassure him that the moment we got pregnant that everything would change, that WE would change! I would quit everything and would seriously not find it that hard to do… Which Pete just shakes his head and calls me an idiot…. But I’m serious, I literally can’t find a good enough reason to motivate me to quit…. But a child would %100 motivate me…. So I’m actually really scared… What if I do fall pregnant soon? Do I tell him and risk having to kill my own child that I’ve soooo desperately wanted for the last 8 years? Or once finding out do I say nothing and run away one night while he sleeps? But I love Pete…. I don’t want to leave him L and I’ll be leaving Jedi! I know Jedi is just a dog but my god I love that dog as if he was my first born child… The position Pete has put me in is so unfair and just cruel….But it has made me realising that he just isn’t daddy material…. L…. Which is why I’m doomed to never know what it’s like to get a positive pregnancy test, to never surprise my Oma and Dad with the news, to never feel that first kick, to never feel the instant loving bond of when you first get to hold your baby…. And just so so much more…. Sadly Ever since I turned 20 deep down I kind of knew I’d never know what it’s like to be a mother…. But I hope Pete at least realises that if that day of him forcing me to kill our baby ever comes round…. That will %100 be the last day I spend with him…. I most likely won’t move on to “try” to have a family with someone else…. Most likely I won’t even form another deep and serious relationship…. Not because I can’t but because I honestly wouldn’t wont to!

 

Anyway… I know weird spot to finish but I’m starting to feel really awful… Got to go.

So Another Year Has Passed!

Moreover, how fast did it fly by huh?  In addition, just like the year before I accomplished fuck all! GO ME!
Not… Still have not fallen pregnant L but that is probably a good thing seeing I still have yet to get off my methadone! I really think I cannot actually have a child but Pete and I have rather slowed down quite a bit with our “love” making so doesn’t  help much either!
After 5 years of trying, the ‘trying’ part has started to cry out for ‘help’… I need someone with a mind filled with tonnes of sexually explosive ideas and how to again feel ‘confident’ enough to be the one that makes that ‘first move’ which I only ever do once in a blue moon which poor Pete has complained about and is starting to think that I don’t find him sexually attractive… Which of cause I disagreed with!
You see most of the time the chances of me either making the first ‘move’ or being in the ‘mood’ all deeply depends on my mood… Most days my mood is rather ‘flat’, even if it is a nice day I will not really be too happy… But my overall mood and current energy due to wanting to go for swims along the beach would increase if I felt that I looked ‘sexually attractive but I’m obviously not 50-55kgs, I really weigh 70kgs…..I feel like I’m the biggest, fattest, most unattractive young female in the entire world.
 I always having yearly summer self-disappointment due to exercising heaps, eating small amounts and not losing weight….I then stormed out “fuck it I’ll just do meth, I’ll be definitely 50kgs by this time next year. I HATE summer now, even though I live literally 5minute walk from the beach I will not go due to feeling so fat and ugly L. I want to weigh about 50-55kgs THEN I will be happy, Pete also wants me to not so much lose weight exactly but to tone up my butt and thighs, they are very, very flabby and covered in cellulite! However, that is my fault for pretty much spending 80% of the last 4 years in bed doing nothing…
So let us talk about my Christmas, well I hope yours was better than mine was! After 3 months of no heroin Pete and I due to the fairly ‘deep’ and painful ‘wounds’ that both our families had laid upon us that Christmas Day. Pete’s wounds were a result of his rather unable and plainly unwillingly to ‘forgive’ Pete for his drug use which never affect him and instead of trying to be a supportive brother/family member (we will call his brother P) instead actual physical violence is used ‘towards’ Pete. And to add a greater sense of ‘inner family isolation’, feeling emotionally struck with the obviously one sided support both his Mum and Dad gave to P, which they %100 gave to P while either ignoring Pete’s struggles, improvements, accomplishments and even tearing Pete’s much desired dreams which may or may not have resulted in Pete having a very ‘different’, self-accomplished, drug free and a sense of ‘life worthiness’ apart due to 1. You thought computer games would go nowhere and two. The family house at the time had TWO working computers, Pete needed ONE in order to do his much needed ‘TAFE Game Design homework’ but for some retarded reason P needed ‘BOTH?’ computers? And what is that? Because P was studying for his UNI Exam P’s needs were more ‘important’ then P’s little pointlessly worthless ‘game’ crap… The fact that Pete actually ‘quite’ Heroin in order to go to TAFE so he could build some kind of self-worthy life and hopefully would make both his parents proud! Pete politely asked P if he could for an hour be able to use one of his computers. But sadly unsurprisingly P expectedly and bluntly said “No, I need ‘both’” Pete starting to feel frustrated he asked again politely when the soonest P would be finished with either PC… But to my unsurprised self, P angrily and without a reason snapped, “I’ll be finished when I’m finished!”
So Pete feeling frustrated and believed that at least his Mum would be able to see that P was just being a spiteful brat because he found something he could ‘control’ and emotionally pinch at like some fun game! After desperately asking his Mum to help and side with his small but deeply important steps he was trying to utterly hard to take but was cruelly being pulled away from his happiness filled life path! Pete didn’t realise how important this course would be and even less so from his Mum, greatly his Dad and his brother that due to unknown reason seemed to have an at ‘times’ excessive urge to either ‘destroy’ any hope of happiness or sap any remaining ‘worth, joy and the will/drive / self-worth or ‘dreams desire’ and the self-acceptance to push one’s self until ‘dream’ is but a reality. Sometimes while Pete would quietly be sitting/watching TV in his room above the kitchen were P would complain loudly to his dad about how Pete should be kicked out, put an intervention order on him so he’d forever be unable to return home… P would even state out loud with obvious intent for Pete to hear that P hoped, wished and even ‘preyed’ that Pete would just DIE”
Sadly, slowly over time and largely due to the day Pete pleaded to borrow one of two computers just so he could do his “Very and seriously into” He did however due to not being able access when needed Pete had to sadly drop out… Sometimes I urge him to join again even though he is turning 33…not too old right and then slowly over time his ‘chance’ had slipped away… My ‘chance’ however, I strongly believe I’ll have for as long as I can still put together a well thought out sentence! I have seriously decided to write an autobiography on ‘myself’ lol! Lame I know and some people may ask, “Why you? What makes your life so damn worthy of turning into a book?” Well honestly I just want to make a mark and I doubt the publishing of my first book (whenever that’ll be!) will make any substantial size mark but I don’t care really, I wouldn’t mind even if not one single person bought my book… It still would have left a tiny little mark in the world where say 150 yrs. after I pass away in my sleep, while Jedi curling up on my lap and also Pete also passing in his sleep while lying beside me holding my hand… I KNOW Jedi will be like 300in dog years by then by I’m being overly optimistic about the length of Jedi’s life… I wish dogs lived at LEAST 50years.  Why the hell not huh?
You know people… I’m actually ‘really’ starting to worry whether Pete and I will be gifted a baby soon enough… I’m turning 27 this year… Funny how way back in my early posts that I was SO adamant that I was going to be both married with children by the time I turned 25 lol… Still waiting! Not sure if Pete will EVER ask me, actually I’m not even fully sure if he even WANTS to get married! I hope he does…  Because well I think, it’s too late to move on with a hop filedled heart. Two years ago I kept always telling myself that if either Pete hasn’t proposed or I haven’t fallen pregnant that I would totally break up and hopefully and rather quickly meet someone which with the luck needed to win Powerball I will undoubtedly find the perfect guy that will want to marry within 2 months and can make me fall pregnant by just simple pointing at me… Yes! LOL!
I can’t leave Pete! We’ve been together pretty much 6 years… We’re going to either get married and pop out a few copies of ourselves or we’re just going to grow old together I guess! I’ll just go on to continually raise puppy Havanese and treat them/love them as if they are my human babies… It’s what I pretty much do with Jedi anyways.
I guess hell ask when he asks… I hope he’ll ask while I remain with my very few 20s years…. Kind of hoping to become a first time mu by LATEST 2016 when I’ll be 29… God the day I turn 30 it’s going to be a little scary and a lot sad… Maybe I’ll be lucky and age really well, I do hardly ever suntan!
Well hope enjoyed my probably pretty boring post!

Just Random Good Samaritans!

Well let’s see!
Not much has happened since the last update but at the same time I guess ‘a lot’ has happened? Well when I say ‘a lot’ I actually mean a lot compared to ‘usual’ which is pretty much FUCK ALL! Lol.
Anyway, last Wednesday night or early Thursday morning as Pete and I were driving home from the City I noticed on the side of the road a man which was laying on the ground unconscious just next to a traffic light button that you press when you wish to cross the road
 
I’ve sadly, stumbled upon, walked in on, discovered or just plainly ‘come across’ quite a few lightly to almost ‘coma-like’ unconscious people, 80% being heroin overdoses.
With all 80% heroin overdoses I ‘always’ just happened to be the ONLY ‘willing’ to help an unconscious and possibly DYING stranger’s life! It’s utterly shameful knowing SO ‘many’ would actually (very faintly) notice someone that’s unconscious, obviously needing help, if possessing half a caring conscience, one might realize the unconscious and slowly dying ‘homeless junkie’  ‘could’ be someone’s daughter, mother, wife, son, husband or father and though alone was once full of hope, strength, will and motivation!
 
I will never understand such selfish, thoughtless, and cruelly unwilling to help a stranger in need and with much silent ‘judgment’ coldly passes on by!
I on the other hand try very hard to see, judge, feel and decide everything with a constant state of empathy for everything and everyone around me. Seeing someone unconscious, my first thoughts are not straight away “That person needs help!” My first thoughts aren’t really ‘thoughts’ at all but more like an emotional thought that I feel so instantly, so quickly I only realize later that I even had that ‘emotional first thought’ and would just assume my first thoughts were about helping the needed.
What is my first ‘emotional thoughts’ about? Well ever since I was at least 5 years old, I have been very good at putting my body, my feelings and myself in the shoes of someone else. I start to analyses what this other person could be feeling and thinking and sometimes I am wrong but most times, I am close on the mark!
 
Anyway, I get Pete to park along side of the road just next to the man, I loudly yell out, “Hey! You ok?” The man does not reply and suddenly another Good Samaritan pulls up behind us. While telling me to stay in the car, Pete slowly makes his way over to this poor unconscious person. With help from another Good Samaritan, they both softly and slowly lift him up to his feet.
. Rained heavily for a few hours, the still quite drunk man obviously walked with little or no balance. Before leaving, we ‘did’ offer the drunken man a lift home or even the option to use our mobile to call someone to pick him up but both offers were not wanted nor needed! Nevertheless, doing all us could we drive off while hoping he would not drunkenly stumble into traffic!  The guy finally gathers full conscience and I yell out to Pete to steer him about 20 meters up the road as the road goes under a bridge which at the time to me makes a great cover to keep dry! Thinking the man, which by the way IS extremely drunk, might stumble that way and slowly fall back to sleep, under cover, dry and safe ‘away’ from the side of the road!
 
Well that is the long “Us being Good Samaritan” story told! I guess something that might make “bee lovers” out there a little upset! Lol. In a matter of, I swear four friggin days! Huge swarms of bees have made themselves comfortable just about the back door of the front house! Pete sprayed heavy strength bug killer all around it and deep into the opening of the hive but they just would not fuck off! Therefore, while I watched Pete’s back and hosed and bees that dare buzz too close to Pete, Pete managed to putty up the hive opening. About 15 random and extremely lost looking bees remained around their hive entrance not knowing what the fuck to do! I hope that in the next couple of days they will all DIE!
 
In addition, to end my update, my Dad just turned 51 and my Oma turned 69! I have organized that there are to be NO MORE birthdays for either my Dad OR Oma! This year’s birthday is their last birthday; they are not allowed to grow any older! I have however agreed that they can both grow ‘younger’ as a small compromise! Lol.
Goddamn time! Why you in such a damn rush! Slow down already!